Sex & Contraception
Sex Matters!
As a young person you go through a massive range of feelings,
body changes and new experiences. You feel different physically,
mentally and emotionally in a lot of ways from how you felt
previously. It's exciting, but it's not always easy to work
out what you're feeling or how to handle new experiences.
Sex is a major part of life and everyone thinks about it
- but it can also be one of the hardest things to talk about
openly. If you're growing up in the UK you probably talk
about it plenty with your mates, but mainly not to relies
or other adults you know, and maybe not even to mates of
the opposite sex much. You may feel like you can't/you shouldn't
or it's too embarrassing/smutty. It can seem like a separate
thing, not just an everyday subject. Or like you're not
supposed to even think about it, let alone want to find
out more or actually do it.
Not everywhere is quite so awkward about the subject. In
Holland, for example, young people are more encouraged to
discuss sex and their feelings about sexual relationships
without feeling guilty. Because of this more open attitude,
young people say they not only feel more at ease, they are
also better informed about the realities of sex, contraception
and relationships with boy/girlfriends. Holland actually
has a lower incidence than the UK of teenagers accidentally
getting pregnant. And, young people there decide to start
being sexually active with boyfriends/girlfriends at a later
age on average than teens in the UK.
So, it's important to be able to discuss and find out about
sex and relationships and your own lives and bodies without
worrying. It's essential to know about sex and sexual matters.
If sex and what happens in your body aren't talked about,
you're more likely to get inaccurate info about them. You
need to feel confident enough to make decisions about your
own body and relationships, and to say yes or no to things
other people ask you to do.
Sex and emotions can't be stuck in separate boxes they're
intertwined. Fancying someone can be mega physical attraction
but also liking their personality or really falling for
them big time. Being shown how to put a condom on a test
tube doesn't prepare you for all-round relationships.
It could still be a while till the UK unwinds as much as
Holland, but there are already loads of websites, helplines
and places to contact if you want more info. Or to check
on stuff you're worried about, or to get answers to embarrassing
questions you can't ask people you know. You can also get
help and advice if you're in any kind of trouble related
to sex, like unplanned pregnancy or possible infection (see
various answers below for more about pregnancy and infections).
This factsheet gives you nos./addresses for those organisations
in the Contacts section at the end. It also has clear introductory info on various
aspects of sex, including some of those murky myths that
are flying around - check out the FAQs (Frequently Asked
Questions) below.
Don't let yourself be ignorant about sex you deserve to
know the facts and make your own, informed decisions. It
could make a massive difference to your life.
FAQs About Sex & Contraception...
1) Am I Old Enough For Sex?
In the UK, the law says a girl and a boy both have to be
16 to have 'sexual intercourse' together. By sexual intercourse,
they basically mean physical activity which involves the
boy's penis (with or without a condom) being inside the
girl's vagina that's a very biology-lesson way of describing
it but it's perhaps the easiest way to be clear.
There are several main reasons for having a 'legal' age
for sex. To protect children and teenagers from possible
abuse from adults or older teenagers; to protect them from
the risk of getting pregnant, and to protect them from sexually-transmitted
infections.
On top of this, the law is saying that under 16 is too young
emotionally to handle sexual intimacy. There are different
views on this, but even if the legal system thinks 16 is
too young, the reality is that lots of younger people are
fascinated by sex, and not everyone waits till their 16th
birthday before experimenting. As soon as you start leaving
childhood and going through puberty, your body chemicals
get lively (hormones etc.) and you get more physically and
sexually excited and start fancying people like mad it's
all part of growing into adulthood.
BUT, just feeling randy doesn't necessarily mean you're
ready to rush into sex with someone. First, you need to
be informed enough to make the right choices for you. On
the practical side, pregnancy is a definite risk and can
totally alter your life, especially for girls. So it's essential
to understand exactly what makes you/a girlfriend pregnant,
and to know about contraception and use it. This makes things
a lot safer, but you can never be 100% sure of protection
from pregnancy, so you still need to decide how far to go.
Infections are also a risk - see later FAQs below for more
on pregnancy and contraception.
Apart from these things, there's the question of whether
you really feel ready emotionally or whether you're having
sex for other reasons. It can have a big emotional impact
on you, and it needs to feel right. Some people say they
wish they hadn't had sex at a certain age or with a certain
person because they didn't really want to they just felt
pressurised. Then they didn't enjoy it or they felt used
afterwards. Or it ended in pregnancy too young. They would
have preferred to have resisted the pressures and made their
own decision and stuck to it. There are loads of pressures
to handle here are a couple that young people mention
2) All My Mates Are Doing It I Don't Want To Be Left Out
It's always more pressure when your mates are telling you
they do something and you haven't done it. You want to feel
part of it, you don't want to look like a fool, etc. etc.
Smoking, drugs, sex whatever it is, sometimes it feels easier
to go along with everyone else, especially if you're getting
hassle. The trouble then is that if you're not doing what
you really want to do, it can make things harder, not easier.
If all your mates are saying they've done it, some of them
are probably lying. The reason they're lying is the same
reason you're feeling pressurised so that they're not
laughed at/out of the crowd. They won't admit it, but it's
a fact - not all teens start having sex at, say, 13. Some
are 15 or 16. Some wait till 17, 18 or later. So you decide
when to have sex, how far to go, who to have it with, when
to say no thanks, what protection you use, etc. Respect
your own feelings and your body and it'll be easier to make
your own decisions and stick with them.
3) My Lad Says If I Loved Him I'd Have Sex With Him
Such an old line. Occasionally a girl says it, but mostly
it's a boy. If you like the lad and you're worried he'll
dump you, it's a big pressure. The thing to tell yourself
(and him) is that it's crap. His logic is off you can
love someone and not want to have sex, and you can have
sex without loving someone. He knows that he just wants
you to have sex and he's trying the emotional pressure.
But if you don't feel ready to have sex with anyone or with
him in particular, for whatever reason, you've got the right
to not do it, no excuses needed. It makes no difference
whether you've had sex with someone else (or even with him)
before it's a person's total right to not have sex, even
if they've had it hundreds of times in the past. You may
be tempted to have sex with him just to keep him, but that
can make you feel used. If you say no and the lad dumps
you, it might be very hard to handle, but if that's his
decision, maybe he wasn't so fab anyway. There's also other
sexy things you can do without going the whole way. Again,
you should do what you're comfortable with and leave out
the stuff you don't want. You need strong determination,
though it can be difficult to stop when the pash gets
going. Either way, if you're the one pressurising, it's
not on however horny you're feeling, nobody should be
pushed or pressurised into doing stuff they don't want to
with their own body.
4) He/She Loves Me So I Shouldn't Say No
Like with the previous question, love doesn't mean an obligation
to have sex. If you're not sure, talk about it with them.
You can still have a fab, affectionate time with someone
and not have sex you can still be really close. If you
have sex without feeling ready, it can make things less
relaxed between you. If one of you is dead keen and the
other isn't, that can be tricky, but discussing it can help,
and hopefully if you're close you can sort it out.
The other thing to remember is that saying 'I love you'
is sometimes not totally sincere
it's nice to hear and
we want to believe it, but it can sometimes be used as a
way of getting into someone's knickers. True or true, sweet-talkers
out there?
5) Can A Girl Get Pregnant If The Boy Doesn't Come?
Yes, it's possible. To get pregnant, a sperm from the boy's
penis has to get to an egg inside the girl's uterus and
fertilise it. When a boy comes (ejaculates), the sticky
liquid (semen/cum) has millions of these sperm in it. But
even before he comes, a small amount of semen comes out
as he gets excited, and there are sperm in it. It only takes
one sperm to cause pregnancy! So it's important not to get
any of the sticky liquid from the boy's penis in or near
the opening to the girl's genitals, either before or after
he comes. That includes getting it on his or her fingers
then touching the girl's vulva/clitoris the sperm can
still accidentally get transferred.
6) What Exactly Is Contraception?
A lot of you know what contraception is, but as some people
don't it's important to say. Basically, contraception (or
contraceptives sometimes called 'protection') is any method
of stopping (or trying to stop) a girl or woman from getting
pregnant. Condoms, the pill, the cap, etc. they're all
types of contraception.
Remember, using contraception makes things a lot safer,
but you can never be 100% sure of protection from pregnancy,
so you still need to think about the risks and decide how
far to go.
7) What Types Of Contraception Are There?
There are several different methods of preventing pregnancy.
Some methods are more reliable than others, some are more
suitable for some people than others. If you are going to
have sex, it is important to sort out what contraception
you're going to use and get advice on how to use it. It's
the girl who gets pregnant, but it's the responsibility
of both of you to protect against it.
A lot of young people end up not using contraception because
they don't know where to get it or how easy it is. Don't
get caught out without it it's not worth the risk. The
Brook centres (see Contacts below) or Family Planning clinics
will give you specialist, confidential advice.
You can ask for info and for contraception even if you're
under 16. You can get this help in confidence, without your
parent/carer/teachers being told.
Types of contraception:
Condoms (sheaths/rubbers/johnnies etc.) (for males there's
a female condom too but it's not in general use yet) The
condom is the only two-in-one protection method in other
words, it protects against pregnancy
AND against infections
that can passed during sex. That's why there's so much advice
saying 'Use a condom' it's sound advice.
The Pill (different kinds, including the combined pill and
the mini pill)
Hormone injections
The cap (you put it inside the vagina for a few hours)
Diaphragm (this stays in the vagina long-term)
Coil (this also stays in the vagina long-term)
Check the web sites/helplines listed in Contacts below for
details of how each method works and advice on what might
be best for you.
If you're a boy, the only contraception for yourself is
a condom. The male pill has been invented but it's not out
yet. If you're a girl, there are all the methods mentioned
above, but some are better than others for younger females,
so check it all out with the clinic/helplines.
There is also the 'emergency pill' or the
'morning after
pill' for females. This is a strong, single dose of the
Pill which can stop you being pregnant if you had unprotected
sex (or the condom burst). A pregnancy test won't show you
if you're pregnant straight away, so the morning after pill
gets rid of a fertilised egg if there is one. It's not actually
just morning-after you can take it up to 72 hours after
you had sex. It's not 100% but it's pretty effective.
Repetition, but it's important:
Condoms are the only method of contraception that
ALSO protect
you (both girls and boys, straight or gay) from sexually-transmitted
diseases (see FAQ below about these). That's why, even if
you are using another form of contraceptive (for example,
the Pill), it's a good idea to ALSO use condoms - especially
if you're not absolutely sure that you or the person you're
having sex with has no infection of any kind.
Both boys and girls can get free condoms. See next FAQ (8).
8) Where Can I Get Contraception From?
You can get contraception free (even if you're under 16)
from Brook clinics, Family Planning clinics and National
Health Service sexual health clinics (called G.U.M. clinics)
see Contacts below. Or from your usual GP. Condoms are
free from these places to both males and females. Condoms
are also sold in chemists, supermarkets, petrol stations
and sometimes in machines in toilets. It can be embarrassing
to ask the first time, but it's easier than being pregnant!
9) He Doesn't Enjoy Sex If He's Wearing A Condom
If you're a boy, you know that's not the real story. You
might prefer not to wear a condom, but you can get used
to them and still enjoy sex a lot. Not wearing one puts
your partner at risk of pregnancy or infection, so there's
no argument really. If you're a girl, don't let a lad push
you into not using a condom. It's not true that he won't
enjoy sex it can make a bit of difference but it's fine,
and you need the protection. Also, unless you're totally
sure of him, check the boy really is wearing a condom or
put it on him yourself. There are times when a lad says
yeah, sure, he's wearing one and he's not sad but true
and not worth getting caught out by. For both of you, it
can be awkward to suddenly stop mid-passion and ask about
condoms and fiddle about with them. You can worry about
you/your partner getting turned off. But it gets quicker
and easier and putting condoms on can be quite sexy in itself.
10) Is It Safe Without A Condom If The Boy Pulls Out Before
He Comes?
This called the 'withdrawal method' of contraception. In
terms of pregnancy, it's a bit safer than him coming inside,
but basically it's still very risky. Loads of sperm escape
from his penis and it only takes one sperm to fertilise
one of the girl's eggs. Sometimes a lad will try and convince
a lass it's safe, but it isn't. In terms of infection, it's
not safe at all infections get passed easily without anyone
coming.
11) Can A Girl Get Pregnant On Her Period?
Generally, it's easier or harder for a girl/woman to get
pregnant at different times of her menstrual month (cycle).
At the start of her period pregnancy may be less likely,
but it's still not guaranteed safe. It's not possible to
know exactly where you are in a menstrual cycle. Also, sperm
live for up to five days inside a female, so if you have
sex during a period, pregnancy could still happen a few
days later if an egg is released. For more detailed info,
check the Contacts.
12) What If I Get Pregnant (What If My Girlfriend Gets Pregnant)?
If you think you're pregnant, or your girlfriend thinks
she is, a pregnancy test is the first step. You can ask
for one free and in confidence at your nearest Brook centre,
Family Planning clinic (see Contacts) or from your usual
GP. Or, you can buy one from the chemist and do it yourself.
They are pretty accurate. You can't do the test till you've
missed a period but still contact somewhere for advice.
If you are pregnant/your girlfriend is, there are a few
possibilities, and the person who's pregnant needs to get
proper info and support so she can decide what to do. The
boy may want support too, and to talk things over. Again,
the Brook centres (especially for young people) or FP clinic
are good, confidential places to start, where you will not
be pushed into doing what someone else wants you to do.
Getting pregnant by mistake can be a frightening and emotional
experience. It does not mean you're bad in some way, even
if some parents etc. go mad. The person it's happened to
deserves support, understanding and practical assistance,
whatever they decide to do.
13) What Are STDs?
STD means sexually-transmitted disease, meaning any infection
that gets passed between people when they're having sex
or are being physically very intimate.
14) What Infections Can You Get And Can They Be Treated?
There are various ones - Chlamydia is the most common one,
and the HIV virus (which can lead to AIDs) is another that
you've probably heard of. They are all very different and
that would be a whole other factsheet, so we suggest checking
out the web sites below for detailed info.
Having an STD doesn't make you dirty or shameful or bad.
Anyone can catch or pass on an STD doesn't matter what
age you are, whether you're male or female, straight or
gay. It's important to know about them so you can protect
yourself (and sexual partners) against them, or know how
to get help if you do catch something. There are clinics
especially set up for treating sexual infections. They are
free and confidential for check ups you don't even have
to give your name. They are run by the National Health Service
and they are called G.U.M (Genito-urinary medicine) clinics.
They are often in a hospital outpatients' department. Check
your phone book/directory enquiries for your nearest.
Remember, using a condom is the only two-in-one protection
against pregnancy AND various STDs.
If you've got any worries or troubles about sex, relationships
and contraception, don't bottle it up. Your mates probably
won't know the all details you need to know. If you can't
talk to an adult you know, contact one of the sites/nos.
below and put your mind and body at rest.
CONTACTS:
Numbers beginning 0800 are always free. Some other nos.
may be cheap rate for example, nos. starting 0345 are
usually charged at local rate instead of national rates,
wherever you're calling from in the UK. Other calls are
charged at normal rates. You can ask a helpline to ring
you back if it's too expensive.
Remember, if phone calls are not free, they will be listed
on the phone bill, so if you don't want anyone to know,
try to ring from a pay-phone. Most freephone (0800) calls
are not free if you're calling from a mobile.
Most helplines will never ring you back or contact other
organisations with your details unless you want them to.
If you're at all worried that they might, you can ask them
about this when you first speak to them. You do not have
to give your name etc. to a helpline.
Brook Centre Freephone
(free, confidential service for young people up to 25 on
anything to do with sex, pregnancy and contraception) 0800
0185023
FPA (Family Planning Association)
contraception helpline 020 7837 4044
(open 9am-7pm Mon-Fri)
Also, more specific lines, but these are all charged at
normal rate:
Are You Ready For Sex?
020 7617 8009
Emergency after-sex contraception line
020 7617 8006
The Condom Line
020 7617 8019
CONFIDENTIALITY
Even if you're under 16, clinics and doctors should keep
info about you confidential that means not telling your
parents, carer, teachers etc. If you're at all worried about
this, check when you first ring/go.
Don't worry about sex get informed and make it easier for
yourself to have a fun, safe time in your teens.
Sexuality
As a young person you go through a massive range of feelings,
body changes and new experiences. You feel different physically,
mentally and emotionally in a lot of ways, but it can change
from day to day, too. It's not always easy to work out what
you're feeling or what you do or don't want in your life.
Sex is high on the list. You begin to get interested, curious,
you fancy people. You also fancy them in a romantic way,
not just sexual. All that can be tricky enough to handle
if you're straight (heterosexual) and attracted to the opposite
sex. This is what the main influences in your life have
always told you is 'normal' and expected of you but it's
still not easy to navigate.
But how about if you're not feeling attracted to the opposite
sex? What if you find yourself getting more interested in
people of your own gender? Or what if you fancy both girls
and boys? This is what the main influences out there say
is not 'normal', so it can be scary to think this might
be you. It can also be difficult to tell anyone about it.
Fancying someone of your own sex may or may not mean you're
gay. You may be basically straight but have special feelings
for someone. Sexuality isn't totally cut and dried and people
can have different types of attractions at different times.
Some people know at an early age, but for other people,
finding out more about how they feel, and deciding for sure
whether they're gay, straight or bisexual, can take time.
It can help loads to talk to other people who have been
through similar uncertainties. Below in Contacts are some
helpline nos. and web sites that you could contact for more
info and support. You don't have to be sure of your sexuality
before you contact them in fact, part of what they offer
is support to anyone who's not sure.
There is a lot of prejudice and fear about sexuality. Things
are gradually changing and are better in some countries
than in others. Being a lesbian or a gay guy or a bisexual
(guy or girl who falls for both boys and girls) definitely
gives you problems that your straight pals don't have to
face. But there's a growing amount of support out there,
and stuff like mega-star Stephen Gately coming out ('coming
out' means telling people that you're gay) is a useful step.
Under UK law, for males or females, gay or straight, there's
no actual law against falling for someone only about the
age you can have sexual intimacy - both 16.
Some of the problems you face if you're not straight are
to do with intimidation and sometimes violence. Getting
picked on verbally or physically or getting left out. As
well as the Contacts below, you could check out the separate
Bullying factsheet. There are also the feelings of isolation
and having to pretend to be things you're not. And the major
problem of fancying people perhaps being in love with
them - but not being able to tell them or risk losing friendships.
There's no magic solution but again, talking to people who've
been in similar situations can make a big difference.
The Contacts below can also offer suggestions about handling
your family. Whether/how to tell your family is a major
concern for gay people, and unfortunately sometimes a parent
etc. throws a young person out for it. There's one organisation
listed that deals specifically with this.
There is also quite a bit of reading material mags, books
etc. specifically produced for and by gay/bisexual people.
How easy it is to find depends on where you live, but there
are sometimes sections in bookshops and libraries. City
guides and listings mags have sections on gay events and
places, and if you ever visit a gay cafι you'll find publications
there (the Pink Paper is a well-known newspaper, for example).
Publications can make a big difference in terms of not feeling
like you're the only gay person on the planet and finding
out about support and news.
Whether you're confused about your sexuality or you're sure
you're gay, lesbian or bisexual, you could do with some
sound support. Don't let anyone hurry you into making up
your mind about how you feel whatever you decide is cool,
as long as it's your own judgement and in your own time.
Talking to mates or family isn't always an option, so try
the groups below. You deserve to be yourself.
CONTACTS:
Numbers beginning 0800 are always free. Some other nos.
may be cheap rate for example, nos. starting 0345 are
usually charged at local rate instead of national rates,
wherever you're calling from in the UK. Other calls are
charged at normal rates. You can ask a helpline to ring
you back if it's too expensive.
Remember, if phone calls are not free, they will be listed
on the phone bill, so if you don't want anyone to know,
try to ring from a pay-phone. Most freephone (0800) calls
are not free if you're calling from a mobile.
Most helplines will never ring you back or contact other
organisations with your details unless you want them to.
If you're at all worried that they might, you can ask them
about this when you first speak to them. You do not have
to give your name etc. to a helpline.
London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard
020 7837 7324 (24-hour)
also web site:
www.llgs.org.uk
>>
Lesbian Youth Support Information Service
Helpline 0161 303 7088 (Weds. 7-9pm)
Bisexual Helpline
London:
020 8569 7500 (Tues. & Weds. 7.30-9.30pm)
Edinburgh:
0131 557 3620 (Thurs. 7.30-9.30)
Albert Kennedy Trust
Advice & support for gay & bisexual teenagers who are homeless
because of their sexuality (like being thrown out of home,
for example)
London office:
020 7831 6562
Manchester office:
0161 953 4059
Childline (any type of problem)
www.childline.org.uk
>>
or phone the helpline: 0800 1111 (24-hour, free)
or write (no stamp needed):
Freepost 1111
London N1 0BR
Careline
Tel. 020 8514 1177
- info/advice on any type of problem
Also, if you're feeling very down and need to talk immediately
and anonymously:
The Samaritans
0345 909090 (24-hour)
